Find Inner Calm okay so real talk — i’m writing this at like 2:47 a.m. because i couldn’t sleep again and thought “hey maybe if i force myself to write about finding inner calm i’ll accidentally become calm.” spoiler: it’s not working yet.
i’ve been trying everyday mindfulness practices for maybe… eight months? nine? time is soup. and honestly most days i still feel like a human pinball machine bouncing between “everything is fine” and “the world is ending because someone left a dish in the sink.” but a few weird little things have actually started to move the needle even for someone as scatterbrained as me.
why i even bother with everyday mindfulness practices anymore
three years ago if you told me i’d be the Find Inner Calm kind of person who pauses to “feel my feet on the floor” i would’ve laughed so hard i choked on my energy drink. but burnout is a hell of a teacher. after basically crying in my car in a target parking lot because the thought of answering one more email made me want to yeet my phone into traffic, i decided maybe the zen people weren’t completely full of it.
i started small. embarrassingly small. like “can i just not check my phone for the 47 seconds it takes the kettle to boil” small.
thing 1: the stupidly effective “five things” game (when my brain is screaming)
when my thoughts start doing that carousel thing — you know, replaying that awkward thing i said in 2019 while also catastrophizing about next week’s meeting — i force myself to name five things i can see. out loud if i’m alone, in my head if i’m in public pretending to be normal.
right now it’s:
- the blue glow from my laptop hurting my retinas
- empty dr pepper can with lipstick on the rim (yes i wear lipstick to sit at home alone, don’t judge me)
- one sad sock on the floor that’s been there since tuesday
- the ceiling fan doing its wobbly death spin
- my reflection in the black screen looking like i’ve aged 14 years since breakfast
it’s dumb. it works anyway. pulls me out of the spiral long enough to remember i’m actually just sitting in a room, not actively dying.
thing 2: breathing like a tired toddler (because fancy techniques make me angry)
i cannot do the “4-7-8 breathing” thing without feeling like i’m failing a math test. so i just do what i call “mad cow breathing” — in through nose for roughly four seconds (i count mississippis in my head), out through mouth making a low “moooo” sound if nobody’s around. if people are around i just exhale really dramatically like i’m deflating.
sounds ridiculous. lowers my heart rate faster than anything else i’ve tried. no app required.
thing 3: one stupid mindful minute while doing chores i hate
loading the dishwasher used to be when i planned murders in my head. Find Inner Calm now i try to do at least one minute of it paying actual attention — the temperature of the water, the clink of plates, the smell of dish soap. i usually only make it like 20 seconds before my brain goes “hey remember that time you embarrassed yourself in 10th grade?” but 20 seconds is better than zero.
i read somewhere on psychologytoday.com that routine tasks are perfect for sneaking in mindfulness and i was like “sure jan” but… yeah it’s true.
thing 4: literally just lying on the floor for 90 seconds
no mat, no music, no candle, no aesthetic. just flop face-down on the carpet like roadkill and exist. sometimes i even set a timer. it’s the most honest thing i do all day — admitting “i cannot sit up anymore, the floor wins.”
people who do real yoga probably hate me. that’s fine.
the part where i admit i still suck at this
last week i downloaded a new meditation app, did exactly one session, then got mad because the lady’s voice was too soothing and it made me anxious?? like how does that even happen. anyway i deleted it and went back to moo-breathing.
i’m not a success story. i’m a “still trying not to set everything on fire” story.
but on the days when i manage even two of these dumb everyday mindfulness practices, the noise in my head gets… quieter? not silent. just less like a death metal concert and more like a band practicing in the garage down the street.
so yeah. if you’re also a mess who wants to feel slightly less like a mess, pick the stupidest-sounding one from this list and try it for three days. report back when you inevitably fail gloriously and then try again anyway.
